Book Summary: Crucial Conversations

This book helped me understand that tough conversations can become catalysts for addressing sensitive issues and building stronger relationships.

The book in 3 Sentences

1. The best dialogue occurs when all parties share (and don't force or withhold) their meaning in a conversation.
2. It is possible to tell the honest truth and maintain healthy relationships.
3. Conversations may not end with an agreement but should always end with a commitment.

Who Should Read It?

This is a good read for those who want to increase their influence at work or at home. Also if you want to learn how to share your feelings without hurting existing relationships this book is a must.

How the Book Changed Me

• I realized that I am guilty of placing labels on others to justify insulting their perspective 😔.
• I'm learning that it is okay to disagree but I should always seek to understand views that differ from mine.
• To better handle tough conversations I'll need to develop a better discipline of listening to different perspectives.

My Top 3 Quotes

If you want different results, you’ll need different emotions

... once we’ve demonized others, we can even insult and abuse them if we want.

When you refuse to make yourself helpless, you’re forced to hold yourself accountable for using your dialogue skills rather than bemoaning your weakness

Summary and Notes

What are Crucial Conversations?

Opinions vary, stakes are high and emotions run strong. You know you're in a crucial conversation when you or others are clamming up in silence or lashing out in violence.

Crucial conversations give the opportunity to address sensitive issues and build relationships. Both can be achieved if we are mindful of how we think, listen, speak and finish the crucial conversation.

Think

Feelings are a result of the stories we tell ourselves. Therefore no one can 'make you feel' a certain way.

Before every feeling is a story we tell ourselves that we believe to be true. It happens as often and as quickly as we have feelings throughout the day. Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves may be true but more often than not, they are missing details.

For example, I see a pile of my wife's shoes by the front door in a jumbled mess again. I choose to be angry because I've told myself a story that if she continues to leave her shoes out like this, then she doesn't care about my desire for cleanliness and order in our home.

But is this true? Maybe. But there are more than a handful of reasons why the shoes continue to remain in a jumbled mess. Maybe she forgot or was rushing to prepare my birthday surprise. With more facts, my feelings could shift even though the shoes are still in a mess by the door.

It would do us good to suspend our negative feelings until we get more information.

Don't accept the fool's choice

The mistake most of us make in our Crucial Conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.

In tough conversations, there doesn't have to be a winner and a loser - it's possible that all parties can win. This can be difficult to believe initially but it is true. Giving ourselves permission to believe this opens the door of possibility.

When others move to silence or violence, get curious instead of defaulting to frustration.

If people clam up, they are moving toward silence. If they lash out, they are moving toward violence. Neither are beneficial. Silence encourages distance and violence breeds enemies. Instead of defaulting to frustration when others move to silence or violence, consider the reasons why they may be feeling this way.

Ask yourself:

• Why would a reasonable person clam up right now?
• Why would a decent person lash out like that?
• Why would a rational person behave this way?

Silence and violence are indicators that a person doesn't feel safe in sharing their meaning in a conversation. Clamming up or lashing out becomes their defense mechanism to protect their viewpoint that they may not feel is being considered.

Therefore, to be successful in these crucial conversations, it is our job to regain safety so that there is dialogue and not war between all parties.

Listen

Gather feedback to identify the root issue

The best way to regain safety in a conversation is to gather more information by genuinely asking for feedback. Genuineness is paramount because asking for feedback just to go through the motion of asking a question can come off fake. And being fake does the opposite of regaining safety in a crucial conversation - it inserts risk.

Look for the gold in what is being said

This can be a tough one, but even when someone respectfully shares their feedback there could be some points that we still don't agree with or appreciate. Instead of rejecting everything that is said, we can listen and search for the positive points that are being shared.

Think of feedback as a gift 🎁that you now have the opportunity to accept or deny. Who knows the gift could be just what you wanted!

Speak

Refuse to be silent or violent

Finally it's time to speak and share our own meaning!

"Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:24 NIV

When we share our meaning in a crucial conversation, we have to be mindful to not move toward silence or violence either. If we remember to think and listen appropriately, we should be ready to share our meaning in the conversation respectively.

Rolling eyes, looking away, yelling or using harsh language can be barriers to a fruitful conversation. This is why we must prioritize expressing our meaning (feelings and thoughts) with words and encourage others to do the same.

ABC - Agree Build Compare

The ABC framework provided in the book can help give a framework for sharing your meaning when it's time to speak.

• AGREE - If there is anything that you and the other party agree on, make it known. Doing so can help remind you both that you have a shared interest as it relates to the sensitive topic.
• BUILD - What perspectives did the opposing side leave out? This is your chance to fill in the blanks. Build upon what you both agree on by sharing what was missing.
• CONTRAST - In a crucial conversation, there are inevitably points of disagreement. But that's okay. Instead of outright declaring the opposing view to be wrong, make your point by contrasting it with the opposing view. This approach allows you and the opposing party to view both sides of the sensitive topic as equal points to consider.

Finish

Mutual Understanding

To successfully close a crucial conversation, it is vital that all parties leave the discussion feeling heard and respected. You can guarantee this by confirming mutual understanding.

Recap the opposing viewpoint(s) by summarizing in your own words what you believe the opposing party was trying to communicate. This is an influence booster, because using your own words shows that you have heard, understood and respected the opposing side.

If they provide a clarification, accept it and recap the opposing view again. Don't end the discussion without getting clear on their perspective.

Remember this! In order for their to be mutual understanding, your perspective must be heard as well. Ask the opposing party to recap your perspective too. Did they express that they understood it correctly? If not, be patient to provide the clarity needed to help them along.

Once mutual understanding is completed there is one final step before closing the conversation.

End with a commitment

People may not always agree - especially with crucial conversations. And this is perfectly fine. If two or more people can end a crucial conversation with an agreement, then all is well.

But what if you don't agree?

My wife may not be ready to organized her shoes at the front door every day. And we may not agree about what to do about the shoes in the meantime. Although we may not agree, we can both can commit to something.

I can commit to not choosing to pout or fuss when I see the shoes in disarray. And my wife can commit to keeping some shoes in the closet instead of by the door to minimize the mess.

For some crucial conversations the commitment could be tabling the rest of the discussion for a set time so that all parties can cool off and collect thoughts. Although the differing sides may not shake hands in agreement, they certainly can shake hands in mutual commitment.

Take time to reflect briefly

Crucial conversations can pop up very quickly at home or at work. And it takes time and practice to successfully navigate them. So how do we get practice?

I suggest to take time to reflect after every crucial conversation.

• What worked?
• What didn't work?
• What could I have done differently?

These are some quick personal questions you can ask yourself. It doesn't take long, but it does take some honest effort. Asking ourselves the above questions and writing them down in a journal or on a sticky note to ponder later give us the practice we need to successfully navigate crucial conversations.

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